Wednesday, January 30, 2013

my truth

Well, hello world, how've you been?  Good to see you, my old friend.

So, it has been over a year since I have posted anything on here, and as I logged on today I scrolled through a few drafts, a few thoughts forming and never "published"- and you know what? That's okay, not every thought I have needs to be on display.  Though, I have had something placed on my heart that I feel others may need to hear/read.  Yet, out of fear... of not having the right words, it not being received well, or it altering the idea someone/anyone has of me.  I'm tongue-tied and weak in the knees... but this fire in my bones keeps sparking. 
"And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah"
Now, what could be so important- so vital that I would face all of this and revive this old blog?
well, ironically enough, that is what this post is about... Fear, shame, truth, and life.
This is something that is so heavy in my spirit. And as I don't know that I have the time at the moment to do a full back story for you, allow me to share with you the words and thoughts of a sweet friend.  Seeing the Beauty in Your Scars by Sara Stottmann
This is where I want to spring from... I read her revelation, I was left in tears reminded of my own struggle to realize that my past was something God was more than willing to use for His glory.
In 2009, I was in a really difficult time in my life... struggling, angry, hurt and on my own.
I ended up going to a church leadership camp called Super Summer, that most of which was really a blur.  I was there, I went to the teachings and the outings, but my head was swimming with my own thoughts, my own doubts, and my own wounds. but there was one lesson that would begin the transformation of my life, of my thought process. A man by the name of Afshin Ziafat spoke one night... I apologize that I do not remember the lesson, but what laid heavy on my mind was the phrase and concept of Authentic Relationships.  I was so tired of shallow... I was sick of feeling alone.
but this idea struck a fear in me, deeper than I had ever know. 
To have auhentic relationships, I first had to be open, honest and real with where I was at in life and where I have come from.  With God having already been dropping "subtle hints" that He wanted me to share my experiences and my life with those around me- all of which I laughed at or ran away from in complete shock that He would ask that of me.... I mean really I was finally being honest with Him and my own self.  and it was between Him and I anyway... did I REALLY need to involve others in my personal affairs?   ...appartently so.
That evening, I walked into my dorm room (hoping to find it empty) only to be welcomed by 4-5 girls sitting there, going around and sharing -the latest gossip? talking about boys? silly jokes and riddles?  ghost stories?  No. each taking turn to share their testimony. God, you have to be kidding me!!  I tried to hunker down in my bunk. I can go unnoticed really well, let's play to our strengths here.  Not that night, to my horror... one voice pipes up. "how about you, Jessica?"
I was consumned by shame and fear. That if they knew, that would be the predominant mark on my life... but I began to speak, with a wavering voice. and I have never felt freer.
You see... God worked through that time and over the years He has continued to honor that step.
I still find myself from time to time ashamed of my "scars", my past... those are the days it doesn't feel so far away from the present. but there is so much truth in James 5:16
Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].
I am in no way saying I have this down... I spent all of last year learning that I was believing the lie that if you really knew me you would run. I had to learn last year that Daddy God loves me, and he's not angry with me. He sees me as valuable, worth protecting and a beauty untouched by man.
And yet this past month... knowing all that I still stumbled, and I grew angry w/ myself and pulled away from Him thinking He would want nothing to do with me.
Ah, but God... He pursued me still- reminding me of His undying and unconditional love.
He also reminded me that He is just... this is why we take comunion to remember that God has already punished and through Christ has already paid the price.  and this was a glorious moment for me... oh, dear friends, please read closely... to say that Jesus died to take away our guilt is true, but it is not the whole truth. His precious blood purchased so much more for us... more than we can ever dream. But in this context- but through His death we are no longer obligated to carry worry or shame.
I, also, need many of you to understand there is a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilty is coming to the realization that you have made a mistake.
Shame is coming to the conclusion that you are a mistake.
Shame was never meant to be your portion... okay.
This as you can probably see has been on my heart for years. That as my friend, Sara, puts it... to be able to see the beauty in the scars. To live without the the fear of revealing our battle wounds or self-inflicted past hurts to one another...
Church, hear my heart. Saints, heed my plea. 
I long for us, as the body of Christ, to be a safe place not only for the lost and searching but also one for another.  I feel like there are many people in the same position I was for a time... broken, bleeding and hurting. And I was ashamed, frightened to tell anyone or let anyone see. It wasn't until my wounds were bound and the scars had formed that I finally spoke up. I felt as if everyone that surrounded me was happy, healthy... nice and tidy.  If someone had spoken up, chosen to be authentic in that time - I feel like I would have been able to escape that prison much sooner.
I am overjoyed that we are slowly becoming a people not in fear of other's dirt or scars from their past... but I want to know- how do we become a group that welcomes those in the midst of their trial, in the eye of their storm, and be there to heal the wound and not just gawk at mishappen scars?
I will try to lead by example, this post being my first step...   
so, let this be a call to realize there should be no room for shame or fear among brothers and sisters in Christ, a call to step out from the shadow and be seen, to cultivate a community that knows and loves each individual.   This will serve others well, and could in turn serve you.
I'll be the first to admit that this may have come across as a bit of a rambling, but if I'm able to reach one heart, and spark one thought then that is all that matters to me tonight.  -Jess

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." -Timothy Keller

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Sleeping through the Storms

I began to write this post at the start of this month- but have been caught up in life and catching on school.

This post is just a story of how God has been working in my life- my testimony can be your breakthrough!
As some of you may know, I was chosen to be a part of a team to Chile. The trip is in March through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries.  I was extremely thrilled with the idea of returning to a nation and people that I have fallen in love with. There was only ONE problem that I could see... you see I was also in another bind. I had to move from Justin & Tara's because Ezra was coming soon. (We didn't realize how soon that really was -ha!)  With work still scarce I was having even more trouble trying to find a place to rent. 4 lovely ladies from my Revival Group opened up their home to me as a temporary solution. My allotted two weeks came & went with no leads towards income or housing.
 Needless to say I was growing a bit stressed. I was trying put all of my worries in God's loving hands, but never-the-less there I was overwhelmed with what was lacking and everything I was trying to do to fix the situation. The deposit for my trip was due the 15th. As of the night of the 14th, I didn't have a penny to go towards it. I had seen multiple people from my school posting requests asking for support on their trips. Last thing I wanted to do was add to the chaos, plus- who am I to ask to be sent to South America when I barely have money for food.
I was sitting and praying and God prompts me to ask for help. I began to argue with Him... (I know, not the brightest plan.)  I told Him that it would never work it was just too late... but He didn't think so. Ha!
So I posted a link and request on FB wall asking if anyone would be able to help.   it was a half-hearted attempt but that's all I could muster.   I was tired from trying to fix everything myself and attempting to decipher every situation.  As I got ready for bed that night I had received a portion of my deposit, but was still overcome by a lack of hope.   I had joked around in a prayer with God asking if I could just go to bed and not mess with it anymore... if I could sleep and all my problems be taken care of and questions be answered.
- I woke up to an e-mail that said that my deposit was paid in full and a little bit more!  That's just like our God... more than enough!
I was allowed to stay a while longer with the Ladies (Erin, Michelle, Kerstin, Lisa) on Shiloh Ct.
We had talked about the possibility of making this my home for the rest of the year. Which I had been talking with my friend Stephanie explaining that my ideal situation would be to stay with them. That I hated the idea of having to relocate again and that I loved feeling the joy and peace that came along with my new family.
After a few attempts of talking with the landlord, Erin sent an e-mail without me knowing.
I woke up (about two weeks ago) two her reading the response. We have found favor! I finally have a place where I belong.  It feels great at the end of the day to say "I'll see you at home."
What could make that story even better?  The night before I had joked around with God again asking if He could just take care of it for me because I just wasn't strong enough. HA!

After this 2nd response of His provision and prodigal love I was reminded of Matthew 8: 23 Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” 26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

Last night, at a party, I was talking with a friend of mine and telling her these testimonies.
We rejoiced together and then I confessed a small concern of "what if I don't get the rest of the money?"
We continued talking together and she said- don't worry about it. That's small change to Him
I arrived home from the party and checked my e-mail to find that someone had donated $1,400 for my trip.
Ha! O my goodness, O my goodness

In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women...! Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!" (Luke 1:42a, 45 NIV)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Who do You say that I am?

I've sat an pondered what I should talk about in this post today... or if I should even post today. I feel like I should tell you that I have held back a lot from these updates but almost feel like when Jesus is speaking in John16:12. So, for the time being we will continue on my internal journey as I learn more about who God is and, as I was created in His image, who I am.

This week it has been pressing upon me that here I am at a school of ministry and I still feel such a lack in my identity. That what I've believed isn't true or only half-truths and is not enough.  During worship at school on Monday, someone said that there are some of us that are so able to call-out the gold in others, to see them how Poppa God sees them (what a blessing that is) but are unable to find the diamond in the rough of their own lives. Ha! It was as if she was not speaking to a crowd of 900+  but straight to my soul. I was feeling a barrier, just that morning, from feeling what all God had for me... but that wall is coming down fast!

"No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you"
During that evening, I had been talking with Jesus asking Him how I was to recognize the good things, the treasures, in my self. He told me gently just ask. Holy Spirit is with you... just ask.
Seems so simple, but again I found a fear in my heart.
On Tuesday, in my new A.M.T. our teacher spoke on the importance of doing everything from love, but also the necessity of living out our identity. Again, Holy Spirit prompts me... just ask. I'll tell you, if you'd only ask.And again, fear showed it's ugly face~ I didn't want to ask...
I thought that 1) I wouldn't hear Him and/or I would just be me making something up.
2) I would annoy or bother Him.  or  3) I wouldn't like what He says.
{Let's just take a second to laugh at those lies...  HAHAHA!}
The truth: I hear from God. He loves spending time with me, listening and talking to me. He only has good thoughts towards me- full of hope, love and joy.

That night, my intern, Emily, helped me fully realize the lies that I had been believing. She prayed for me and in that moment I asked of Him the same question He asked the disciples in Mark 8:29, "Who do You say that I am?"  He spoke swiftly and aptly Warrior Princess.  like He had been waiting His entire existence to whisper the secret.
Wednesday, I quieted my fear once again and I continued to listen as He continued to speak into me my identity and worth: I am a bringer of life, a carrier of peace, a caregiver, a safe place, multi-faceted. I release peace, speak to the heart. I am favored one, a lover of joy, loyal, a beauty to be polished, an awakener. He created me as "spark"& "nourishment". He calls me "singer" which is from a book called Runt, about a young wolf who grew up small and sick, always thought he was in the way and never joined his pack when they howled, but after experiences -joys and tragedies- a time of growth and transition, he now had a song... and his song brought life to his pack. He was then given a new name "Singer". He was no longer known for his lack but for who He was meant to be all along.  I am not a Runt in this world, my daddy calls me Singer!

I've been learning a lot more about the significance of names as I've studied the names of God, and that they express far more of His character than we could ever attempt.
Because He is Immanuel=God with us I am reminded that I don't bother Him. He so wanted to spend time with me that He initiated it. Jehovah-Jireh=Lord will provide is a name that brings new life to a hopeless situation. El Roi=God who sees me means that I never go unnoticed. and the wonderful list goes on.

My new nephew has also reminded me of the grand importance a name possesses 

Ezra Legacy Moore    

While I was listening, He also told me your name is meant for you!So, I looked up the meaning:
Jessica: wealthy, blessed. grace. God watches or beholds. foresight; being able to see potential in the future.
Nicole: victory of the people. people of victory/victorious people.
Moore: noble, great, mighty, proud. chief.

hmm... What does your name mean? Does it portray who you really are- who you were created to be?
I'd love to hear about it  :o)

Worship (Thursday at TwinView) was a God-encounter... not really sure there is another way to describe it.
Tonight, I found myself just wanting to be thankful for everything that He has already done in my life (even in the lack) because I have Him, I have more than enough. I found myself so full of joy and overflowing with love. For those of you that don't know I have fallen in love with the freedom of worship here at Bethel. I love to dance in order to express the music and myself. Those that have seen me dance- it is wild, free, passionate... a 'warrior' dance, as I've come to call it. Though, secretly, I love the twirling, flowy, graceful dances- but those only happen when no one else is around to see. Ha! I've been so afraid to allow myself to dance this way- scared that I would make a fool out of myself. 
I felt like something was holding me back, but then I remember the conversation I had with Emily- and that it was my choice whether I moved or not. No shame, No second-thoughts - just do.
The song 'How He loves' began to play and my heart lept, because this was the song that was playing durring my breakthrough on Tuesday night! I began to dance... not my usual warrior dance, but finally a princess dance. HA! That may seem so simple and cheesy, but to me that's everything! There is freedom and fullness of life when you know who you were created to be and live out of that.

I was also just filled up with His love tonight, so much that it was overflowing.
I sat down and just tried to imagine that I was like John- wanting nothing but to lean against Him and listen for the heart of Christ, the gentle breath of God. Oh, wow! Such a sweet time just enjoying His presence.

I feel so new, so alive - like I'm living for the first time.
So, I pray that you feel His arms wrapped around you, that He would give you wonderful dreams and a revelation of how He sees you. <3

Monday, November 14, 2011

Experiencing the Father's Embrace

Today I sit and think back on the roller coaster that was this past week and trying to decide what is worthy to share with you wonderful people.

I moved from Justin and Tara's house (from Baby Moore's room) into a few friends' home~ It truly does feel like a home. Michelle, Erin, Kerstin & Lisa are such a blessing and have become like sisters.
Today we are celebrating Lisa's life and this new season.
In each our own way this is a new season for all of us. The changing leaves reflect the changes in our hearts. I know this is especially true in my life. Not only in this time of transition from moving to CA or even moving ten minutes away- but there is so much that I am learning, that is transforming me, and there is 'new' every where I look.
I have found myself overwhelmed or stressed about not having a source of income yet and because of that not being able to find a place to call home, there was a major homework dead-line that has come and gone and my list could could continue but there is no reason to dwell on it all.
God is showing me a little more each day that He is provider. During worship at school, on Tuesday, I was singing and just started laughing as I pictured myself skipping down a path humming that playground tune 'a tisket, a tasket- I've got a yellow basket.' but in service I was singing "My Daddy's got me. He'll never let me go. Oh, isn't it lovely, when He proves He loves me so."  It almost came about in a taunting tone- either to my own doubts or to the father of lies, himself. It was in that simple(silly) moment that God was teaching me who He is and what He wants to do for me.  That He is a good daddy and wants to provide well and give good gifts for His little girl. So, I am believing that everything will come about in perfect timing, but for now I wait and rest in my Daddy's arms.

That has been something new for me this season of life, as well. I am learning to experience God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and not just have head knowledge or a feeling of knowing but to trully experience Him and His ever-lasting love. He has revealed this to me in multiple different ways, such as: hugs, moments of uncontrollable laughter, soft-spoken words, peaceful walks in the park, art, worship and songs, etc. I believe there can never be anything more impactful than experiencing who He is and His deep embrace. There is something about His character (or everything about Him) that cries embrace.
em·braceverb (used with object)1. to take or clasp in the arms; press to the bosom; hug.
2. to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly
3. to avail oneself of
4. to adopt
5. to take in with the eye or the mind.
6. to encircle; surround; enclose.
7. to include or containThis has been so helpful for me to press on in this time, by having personally encountered His eager acceptance of me, intimate with His surrounding presence and to be held close, as if to say "I wouldn't leave you for anything". Just to be in that place of peace and listen to His heart.
I forget to listen for His heart-beat when the world seems chaotic or the situation is too loud.
I get caught up in worrying instead of remembering that I am wrapped in His arms.

I have, also, been trying to learn more about who I am through Christ and how He sees me, through different conversations, others' prayers and my own. One day a friend from OKC prayed for me and told me He kept seeing me as Eowyn from Lord of the Rings. If you're not familiar the main account he was speaking of is from this section in the book: During the battle of the Pelennor Fields, she confronted the Witch-king of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgûl, after Théoden was injured. The Witch-king threatened to "bear [her] away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where [her] flesh shall be devoured, and [her] shriveled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye." The Witch-king further boasted that "no living man may hinder me," referring to the 1,000-year-old prophecy by the Elf-lord Glorfindel, foretelling that the Witch-king would not fall "by the hand of man". Éowyn then removed her helmet and declared:

"But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him."
The Witch-king attacked Éowyn with his steed, but she slew it with her sword. He then shattered her shield and broke her shield-arm with his mace, but was distracted by Merry, who stabbed him behind the knee with a sword enchanted with spells against him. Éowyn seized the opportunity to strike the Witch-king with a killing blow "between crown and mantle". As her sword shattered, his clothing fell to the ground and he vanished with a wailing cry.

I took it all in, and later went to God asking what He had in mind with this image of me...
This idea goes along with previous words people have shared that I will live from victory, but it also reveals more about the power that resides with in me. I will defeat what is invincible to those around me. I am vital for conquest. Raised as a daughter of the king. There is a lot more behind this than I can know now...
but it seemed like conirmation for something that had happened one night at worship.

I had knealt down with my face to the floor just praying and crying out to God. Laying everything at His feet telling Him that I couldnt handle it on my own and that I didn't want to deal with it at all- Poppa God just take it. I felt like I was in the inner courts and a marble floor as far as I could see. all of a sudden I felt like He came and placed His hand against my shoulder and set me up. I stayed on my knees with my eyes held shut and continued to pray that He would take it all away. He insisted "open your eyes" I cringed and tightened them telling Him 'no, I'm scared'  ... He whipserd gently "just open them". I slowly looked and saw my empty hands and felt like He had placed a sword in them. There was a simple weight to it... I knelt and He "knighted" me and placed the sword back into my hands and I let out what sounded like a battle-cry. I stood and my hand instantly grasped the 'sword' and my arm raised as I imagined a sheild. I told Him that I would fight, and that I knew this would be a time of victory but that I just don't know what that looks like... but that I will fight.  All of a sudden, I had the feeling of what the prince from Sleeping Beauty must have felt when he was faced with all the vines and thorns in order to rescue Aurora.
I told Him that I would fight... but I didn't want to fight alone.
He sent someone to stand with me and pray with me.

Our God is so good and has such great victories and freedoms in store.

Even now I am in a different place than when I had first begun to write this blogpost a couple days ago but I figured I would still post it to let you know the new movements in my life.
So, I'm already behind but this was a good outlet for me and so that I won't forget some of it. Ha!
So, for the time being, I am still committed to taking it just one day at a time.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Whole New World

Hello Extraordinary ones! It has been a grand ride since I have last updated this blogspot~ to the point where I don't know where to even begin... so I will do my absolute best not to ramble on. :o)

For those of you that do not know after my Summer w/ AweStar Ministries in Panama, I packed up my truck and moved out to Redding, California and was accepted to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries.  I am thoroughly enjoying my time here and learning/experiencing more and more each day.
I am in a class of a little more than 900, so we are broken down into groups of 65 called Revival groups and these have become like a family and then there is a smaller group of 5 that is our core group.
I have classes Mon-Thurs which involves anywhere from bible reading, book reports, lectures/teachings, worship, prayer, etc.  On Saturday I am a part of an activation called 'Community Feast' and will be blessed by this all the way 'til the end of the school year. My group and I go to South City Park and provide food for those who are living there and also for those who are only a paycheck away from being there.  Each story breaks my heart, but it's inspiring to know that each smile is a symbol of hope restored.
At the start of the year we had a retreat at a YWAM base in Chico, CA.  This was so that we could get to know our Revival group a little better, and it was a wonderful adventure to explore and to go bouldering. I did grow in my relationships and created strong bonds.  During that time we also had evening services, these really sparked the fire for what God has been stirring up in me.
The first night during worship someone had said "Some of us really need to seek the face of God. We need to look in His eyes and see the love that He has for us."  My initial reaction was that I was scared... I  was determined not to look. I was afraid of what I might see- I realized then more than ever I didn't think I would see safety or love... I thought I would only see rejection. So, realizing this, I fought with myself internally. When the main speaker began sharing about joy, I was completely frustrated.  He shared that the only way we can fully experience Christ's joy is by knowing God's love fully.  I just became so angry!  It seemed like it wasn't fair- it was a complete injustice! You mean, I can't have joy because I don't understand that He loves me? I don't know why I don't think He loves me... it's not something I can just fix!
but slowly my frustration lessened and I took notes so that maybe something would help/settle later. The speaker continued to speak and defined joy (used in one of the verses) as a shout of rejoicing, triumphant shouting like that of a great victory.  I was still somber and a little more heartbroken that I couldn't  come upon joy until I was overwhelmed by the love of God.  I rembember the speaker saying "so, what are you all going to do about it?" as his final charge over the group. I was saying to myself yeah, God I want that... to which He would reply -so what are you going to do about it?- Ha! long story made shorter: I ended up that night just laughing and enjoying His presence and the presence of those around me. Someone had told me that everything was going to change after that night and I believe that to be very true. I felt invincible that night and felt like I could take on the world the next day but the following night after teaching my mentality was completely wrecked... A man named Jason came to share his story but told us all we really needed to know/remember was the statement "I love the King and the King loves me" . I was moved by his testimony but nothing shook me more than his imaginings. He shared that he fantasized about when Jesus is in the garden and didn't want to go to the cross and asks if there is any other way but God says "Do you remember Jason?" " Yeah, I remember Jason " as He turns decidedly walking towards His captors.  He is whipped and the nails are driven through His feet and hands. He cries out "Daddy- Why!?" 'Do you remember Jason? Do you remember his sin, his pain? Do you remember Jason Vallotton? He's lost'  "Yes, I remember Jason." and He doesn't regret it - He isn't bitter but Jesus smiles because He knows what's in store.
~I think Jesus is thinking of me.~
Jason also began to share his fantasy of being formed in our mother's womb. God is looking at a blueprint and begins placing different characteristics, taking peices of Himself and putting it into us. Now, some of the peices are hidden and just haven't been called forth or they've been covered up with earth. A shiver went down my back and I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes.  I lost it! but from this night I learned Jesus loves me... that I am the beauty of Christ, I can be the center of attention, I was not made to be shy or in the corner, not made to be forgotten, etc. Learning who God is and what He's done brings about the revelation of who I am.  I am a princess, I am loved, I am worthy... Jesus loves my purity and innocence. I will be living in a season of victory.
 Earlier this year God had told me that my words will bring life and change lives and I really had no idea what that would look like and I am still learning but throughout school I have been praying for boldness and through my Revival group and my AMT (Advanced Ministry Training) called Prophetic Worship I feel like I am beginning to grasp the edge of what God has placed in me. 
My worship has come alive with praise to Him, and I have been able to pour into the lives of those around me through prayer or song as I have learned that there is a power in each of us that shifts atmospheres in a way... or at least you have to ability to effect someone or something.
I have found that through experiencing God's presence, you are able to minister to people in a whole new way. Whether this is through song, dance, art, spoken word, etc. Almost any form of expression can be used by God to reach to the core of people. 
In saying that, I have discovered that I am powerful, that I can effect my surroundings just by being.
My words have power when I speak and possibly increased power when I sing... and I am using this opportunity to learn guitar and impact the world through something as simple as a few chords. 

I am still learning in all of this, I don't pretend to have it all figured out... but in knowing that Christ residing within me produces an ability to bring change... this power brings such a peace to my uncertainties.
I am not weak, helpless and lacking hope, but I walk with the Lion of the tribe of Judah.

John 14:12 "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."

I, also, have been learning that in order for a need to be met, I need to allow others to know about it:
Since arriving here in Redding, I have been applying for jobs but have had no success yet. It has been manageable until fairly recently... While, I am still unable to find work I need to move from where I've been staying. (It has been such a blessing to live w/ family and rent free but with my nephew soon to arrive, it's best for eveyone that I move the beginning of this month)  I have a few friends that are graciously opening up their home for a couple weeks while I still seek out work or am blessed by some means of income. What a life I lead... all while trying to finish paying for school, provide rent and money for necessities...
I have also been greatly blessed with the opportunity to return to the country of Chile with BSSM on a mission trip in March. I can just hear Poppa God whisper "Do you trust me?"With great anticipation I know that Jehova-Jireh cares for me, and will provide in His perfect timing and quite possibly in ways that I never expected.

Friends & Family, I'll just quickly say that if you would seek the Lord and feel lead to provide through financial support or if you should choose to meet this need in any way- You are an answer to prayers.

 Mailing address is 751 Hilltop Drive #59 Redding, CA 96003
E-mail is

(PLEASE understand that prayer is, in fact, meeting a need in an extraordinary way)

I wanted to use this as a kind of overview of what I've been learning this is by no means everything if you want to know more or have any questions I would love to talk with you :o)
(phone, Skype, e-mail, FB, snail mail... whatever)

I will do my best to post more regularly to let you in on how God is moving in this fantastic time in my life.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"Forever Reign"

So, last Monday (2/7) I was brought to the revelation and reminded that God is eternal. Simple enough, right? That is something we are taught tracing all the way back to elementary years. God never had a beginning and will never meet an end. With faith, I know this to be true, but I also know that I'll never be able to wrap my my mind around that aspect of God.  But... here is what is new to my way of thinking:  Not only God's 'life' and presence are eternal, but every aspect and characteristic is just as everlasting.
That is to say that God possesses enduring peace, imperishable joy, boundless righteousness,  relentless wrath, ageless justice, unbroken grace, incessant mercy, everlasting love, etc... (the list describing His character may very well be just as infinite.)
This, is all together, something more personal and that much more endearing of my Saviour. Before the world was made, before He spoke it into being... He was there, yes, but also He loved me. Not even a cell of mine had begun to form, I was but a thought in His mind, but with that thought He was well pleased.

My God loved me. My God loves me. My God will love me.

 This is something that I have struggled with in the past- continuing on even today.
I have the "head knowledge" and even in situations the biblical knowledge that Jesus loves me or even that I am "my Father's favorite child".  It is a whole new thing entirely to know and believe it with your heart and walk in it daily.

To me this is something more than love (What could be more? What could He possibly bestow upon me that means more than unconditional love?) This means forgiveness... This means freedom!
No matter what I have done, No matter how many times I mess up... He is still there.
Now that is something that breaks my heart but restores it to the uttermost, if only I would allow it to do so.

When I mess up, I tend to not allow Him to forgive me, I won't even forgive myself. 
I sit drowning in self-pity, wallowing in self-hatred... all the while my King just waits to grant mercy. 
He whispers "You are more" and a sweet reminder from my beautiful friend is that God whispers "I love you. I think you're beautiful. I think you're worthy. I'm especially fond of you. I love your heart. My heart melts when you smile. I catch every tear that falls. I hold your life in my hands." -and that is only a glimpse. 
Why do I so often forget?  God, You, alone are forever.

not my fear, not my worries, not my shame
You, my King, forever reign

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

what is >THIS< all about?

Okay, here's the deal... I have had thoughts running non-stop and managed to keep myself up past 4. Just thinking. My solution is to try and write it out I'll use this as my journal today, I suppose
in other words- if you end up reading this entire post you deserve a prize!

The title of my blog as you well know while sitting on this site is "For Sush a Time as This..." so what is it that I was made to do, what is my significant task, what has been risen up in me -for such a time as this?
I know this borders on the line of wanting to know what my future holds, but I think it is far more than a fear of being alone, the worry of 'what am I going to do w/ my life'...  because I know that my life is FOR something. For the past year(maybe a little less) I have been challenged in my thinking. While my brother and sister are on their journey I have been taken along for the ride, so to speak.
Before they moved in August, my sister-in-law painted a tree for me that has words of knowledge 'hidden' w/in the leaves. I created a prayer using these words/things to ask God to "please bless me w/ them and Himself"   _I don't know what I can do, who I can be- but Jesus, I want you and what you have for me. Reveal through me beauty; a spark that brings life to the dead. Let me be a mighty woman, a voice of hope. Help me set the captives free and nations be drawn to me. Can I be more than a conqueror? A victorious rider called faithful and true. ♥ Jesus, I'm not sure what I want... except I want more of You_
These are things that I most assuredly want, but here's the thing! I already possess these things Jesus has already given me all of Himself... and I believe He has already blessed me w/ those longing of my heart without me having to plead for His favor. I am seen well and full in the eyes of my Lord. (wow... that's good to know :)   I've had it spoken over me that I am a spark... and I will bring life to the dead. It has also been said that no matter where I am I will reveal Christ through signs and wonders and a shepard. I am have been called one of prophecy... all of this to say I have no idea what to do with all of this.
There is something in my heart that screams "YES! This is yours take it! You know you're longings to be significant, to be valued, to be irreplaceable- they're not just daydreams!"  I know God has placed something great in this spirit of mine, and I am beginning to learn bit by bit what that is- such as what was spoken above but also taking into consideration Mark 16:15-20 . I'm believer, am I not? So, I accept that His signs will confirm His words that I speak. This may take me some getting used to, to say the least.
That would explain the "stake" that I feel my heart has placed on Isaiah 61 most of all verse 1 "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners," -If you know me, or even if you've only read my first two posts you know that this in it's entirety is my heart.   The first time I read that passage my heart leapt... HaHa!
I still have every hope that one day I will be able to fulfill my dream of opening both 'Spark' and 'Pheonix' ministries though I believe it will take time and God will use me wherever He takes me- so, now I am just watching and waiting to see where He leads- Lord, You know I'm ready

I still sit and wonder how I will get to "the end" result, but mostly I am excited for the journey, the miles to go, I am ready for such a time as this...
All this to say, I still don't know what >THIS< is all about - not sure I ever will