Well, hello world, how've you been? Good to see you, my old friend.
So, it has been over a year since I have posted anything on here, and as I logged on today I scrolled through a few drafts, a few thoughts forming and never "published"- and you know what? That's okay, not every thought I have needs to be on display. Though, I have had something placed on my heart that I feel others may need to hear/read. Yet, out of fear... of not having the right words, it not being received well, or it altering the idea someone/anyone has of me. I'm tongue-tied and weak in the knees... but this fire in my bones keeps sparking.
So, it has been over a year since I have posted anything on here, and as I logged on today I scrolled through a few drafts, a few thoughts forming and never "published"- and you know what? That's okay, not every thought I have needs to be on display. Though, I have had something placed on my heart that I feel others may need to hear/read. Yet, out of fear... of not having the right words, it not being received well, or it altering the idea someone/anyone has of me. I'm tongue-tied and weak in the knees... but this fire in my bones keeps sparking.
"And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear
this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah"
Now, what could be so important- so vital that I would face all of this and revive this old blog?
well, ironically enough, that is what this post is about... Fear, shame, truth, and life.
well, ironically enough, that is what this post is about... Fear, shame, truth, and life.
This is something that is so heavy in my spirit. And as I don't know that I have the time at the moment to do a full back story for you, allow me to share with you the words and thoughts of a sweet friend. Seeing the Beauty in Your Scars by Sara Stottmann
This is where I want to spring from... I read her revelation, I was left in tears reminded of my own struggle to realize that my past was something God was more than willing to use for His glory.
In 2009, I was in a really difficult time in my life... struggling, angry, hurt and on my own.
I ended up going to a church leadership camp called Super Summer, that most of which was really a blur. I was there, I went to the teachings and the outings, but my head was swimming with my own thoughts, my own doubts, and my own wounds. but there was one lesson that would begin the transformation of my life, of my thought process. A man by the name of Afshin Ziafat spoke one night... I apologize that I do not remember the lesson, but what laid heavy on my mind was the phrase and concept of Authentic Relationships. I was so tired of shallow... I was sick of feeling alone.
but this idea struck a fear in me, deeper than I had ever know.
To have auhentic relationships, I first had to be open, honest and real with where I was at in life and where I have come from. With God having already been dropping "subtle hints" that He wanted me to share my experiences and my life with those around me- all of which I laughed at or ran away from in complete shock that He would ask that of me.... I mean really I was finally being honest with Him and my own self. and it was between Him and I anyway... did I REALLY need to involve others in my personal affairs? ...appartently so.
That evening, I walked into my dorm room (hoping to find it empty) only to be welcomed by 4-5 girls sitting there, going around and sharing -the latest gossip? talking about boys? silly jokes and riddles? ghost stories? No. each taking turn to share their testimony. God, you have to be kidding me!! I tried to hunker down in my bunk. I can go unnoticed really well, let's play to our strengths here. Not that night, to my horror... one voice pipes up. "how about you, Jessica?"
I was consumned by shame and fear. That if they knew, that would be the predominant mark on my life... but I began to speak, with a wavering voice. and I have never felt freer.
This is where I want to spring from... I read her revelation, I was left in tears reminded of my own struggle to realize that my past was something God was more than willing to use for His glory.
In 2009, I was in a really difficult time in my life... struggling, angry, hurt and on my own.
I ended up going to a church leadership camp called Super Summer, that most of which was really a blur. I was there, I went to the teachings and the outings, but my head was swimming with my own thoughts, my own doubts, and my own wounds. but there was one lesson that would begin the transformation of my life, of my thought process. A man by the name of Afshin Ziafat spoke one night... I apologize that I do not remember the lesson, but what laid heavy on my mind was the phrase and concept of Authentic Relationships. I was so tired of shallow... I was sick of feeling alone.
but this idea struck a fear in me, deeper than I had ever know.
To have auhentic relationships, I first had to be open, honest and real with where I was at in life and where I have come from. With God having already been dropping "subtle hints" that He wanted me to share my experiences and my life with those around me- all of which I laughed at or ran away from in complete shock that He would ask that of me.... I mean really I was finally being honest with Him and my own self. and it was between Him and I anyway... did I REALLY need to involve others in my personal affairs? ...appartently so.
That evening, I walked into my dorm room (hoping to find it empty) only to be welcomed by 4-5 girls sitting there, going around and sharing -the latest gossip? talking about boys? silly jokes and riddles? ghost stories? No. each taking turn to share their testimony. God, you have to be kidding me!! I tried to hunker down in my bunk. I can go unnoticed really well, let's play to our strengths here. Not that night, to my horror... one voice pipes up. "how about you, Jessica?"
I was consumned by shame and fear. That if they knew, that would be the predominant mark on my life... but I began to speak, with a wavering voice. and I have never felt freer.
You see... God worked through that time and over the years He has continued to honor that step.
I still find myself from time to time ashamed of my "scars", my past... those are the days it doesn't feel so far away from the present. but there is so much truth in James 5:16
Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].
I still find myself from time to time ashamed of my "scars", my past... those are the days it doesn't feel so far away from the present. but there is so much truth in James 5:16
Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].
I am in no way saying I have this down... I spent all of last year learning that I was believing the lie that if you really knew me you would run. I had to learn last year that Daddy God loves me, and he's not angry with me. He sees me as valuable, worth protecting and a beauty untouched by man.
And yet this past month... knowing all that I still stumbled, and I grew angry w/ myself and pulled away from Him thinking He would want nothing to do with me.
Ah, but God... He pursued me still- reminding me of His undying and unconditional love.
He also reminded me that He is just... this is why we take comunion to remember that God has already punished and through Christ has already paid the price. and this was a glorious moment for me... oh, dear friends, please read closely... to say that Jesus died to take away our guilt is true, but it is not the whole truth. His precious blood purchased so much more for us... more than we can ever dream. But in this context- but through His death we are no longer obligated to carry worry or shame.
I, also, need many of you to understand there is a difference between guilt and shame.
Ah, but God... He pursued me still- reminding me of His undying and unconditional love.
He also reminded me that He is just... this is why we take comunion to remember that God has already punished and through Christ has already paid the price. and this was a glorious moment for me... oh, dear friends, please read closely... to say that Jesus died to take away our guilt is true, but it is not the whole truth. His precious blood purchased so much more for us... more than we can ever dream. But in this context- but through His death we are no longer obligated to carry worry or shame.
I, also, need many of you to understand there is a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilty is coming to the realization that you have made a mistake.
Shame is coming to the conclusion that you are a mistake.
Shame is coming to the conclusion that you are a mistake.
Shame was never meant to be your portion... okay.
This as you can probably see has been on my heart for years. That as my friend, Sara, puts it... to be able to see the beauty in the scars. To live without the the fear of revealing our battle wounds or self-inflicted past hurts to one another...
Church, hear my heart. Saints, heed my plea.
I long for us, as the body of Christ, to be a safe place not only for the lost and searching but also one for another. I feel like there are many people in the same position I was for a time... broken, bleeding and hurting. And I was ashamed, frightened to tell anyone or let anyone see. It wasn't until my wounds were bound and the scars had formed that I finally spoke up. I felt as if everyone that surrounded me was happy, healthy... nice and tidy. If someone had spoken up, chosen to be authentic in that time - I feel like I would have been able to escape that prison much sooner.
I long for us, as the body of Christ, to be a safe place not only for the lost and searching but also one for another. I feel like there are many people in the same position I was for a time... broken, bleeding and hurting. And I was ashamed, frightened to tell anyone or let anyone see. It wasn't until my wounds were bound and the scars had formed that I finally spoke up. I felt as if everyone that surrounded me was happy, healthy... nice and tidy. If someone had spoken up, chosen to be authentic in that time - I feel like I would have been able to escape that prison much sooner.
I am overjoyed that we are slowly becoming a people not in fear of other's dirt or scars from their past... but I want to know- how do we become a group that welcomes those in the midst of their trial, in the eye of their storm, and be there to heal the wound and not just gawk at mishappen scars?
I will try to lead by example, this post being my first step...
so, let this be a call to realize there should be no room for shame or fear among brothers and sisters in Christ, a call to step out from the shadow and be seen, to cultivate a community that knows and loves each individual. This will serve others well, and could in turn serve you.
I'll be the first to admit that this may have come across as a bit of a rambling, but if I'm able to reach one heart, and spark one thought then that is all that matters to me tonight. -Jess
"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." -Timothy Keller
